So, I haven't wrote in here for a while.. so I thought I would update a bit. Well, nothing much has happened lately, ..Well, actually alot has, though I probably won't be able to say it right.. I've been really frustrated lately, With Everything really. Life seems hard right now for me.. really, really hard. Nothing seems to go right anymore. It's all pretty much turned into a complete hell hole. About a month and a half ago I started cutting again.. It's not something I'm proud of, but it is something I want people to leave me alone about. It's really starting to bug me how people keep asking about it, or "what's wrong?".. tell me, How do you answer that question when NOTHING is right? .. My parents lied to me, they told me I was going to the doctors for some check up, Then I got there and realized it was about my wrists.. I was refered to some psychologist for it. I refuse to go though, because 1) Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to tell a complete stranger the feelings that go on inside my body, 2) I'm not a fucking psycho.. and 3) The stuff that goes on in my mind, is so tightly wrapped around thoughts and frustration, that it wouldn't help me at all.. And would be completely pointless one way or the other.. Honestly, I don't even know why I have the craving to pick up that razor and slice through the tender skin of my body and sit there and watch it bleed, It's like a drug to me, and makes me feel so much better. I don't know why, that for one also confuses me.. My emotions are so fucked it's fucking everything up. I do believe for the most part it's the greif of losing my grandfather, Ginna and Brandy.. But I know there are other little things that are in between as well.

My kidney problem is back.. I do believe it will NEVER go away. It is dreading me, and I can't take much more of it.. I'm living on pain killers and meds, and that isn't a life I want to live.. I would rather die happy and in pain, than die medicated. Either way, I know I will die before my 25th birthday, It's a feeling I have in my gut. It's almost like my body want's to die, by failing and dreading my body so it feels completely lifeless at some points in time, or even, going into a trans and just slicing the skin that my insides are wrapped in. It is making me dread life, and wonder why I should even be here.. I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I just wan't to let go. But my family, and some friends just wont seem to accept it. So I hold on strong, like I am not afraid of what will happen in the near future. Truth be told, I am scared shitless. I need someone to hug me, tell me everything will be okay. I haven't had anyone tell me that since last year in November, My ex best friend kept me strong, and healthy longer. Kind of gave me a reason to be, but now, I don't feel I have much of one. I don't think many would notice if I were gone, for people don't realize when I am in pain, until they see it on the skin of my body.

I miss alot of my old friends, though I have made alot of new ones.. It just isn't the same.. I could talk to my old friends, and they would listen and try to help in any way they could. And now, The friends I have, they listen.. half of them, and sometimes that's all they do, or they try to help, and don't succeed.. or worse, they think their helping, buh their only hurting me more. I'm not too sure who are really my friends, and who are just there to have a good time. I do believe are few are truely my friends though (Kristina, Stephanie, Karl, Russell), that maybe it though (sorry if there are others and I have offended you, didn't mean to). Other than my friends from New Brunswick and elsewhere, it seems that's all I have. I can actually talk to them, about anything if I really wanted to. Although I never talk to them either out of class (not including msn), or outside of skewl. I wish I could hang out with them, but some of them say they are not the *hang out* type, and some just work all the time. I really need to get out of the house sometime though. I miss hanging out with Kevin, even if I did break my wrist a couple times while being with him, we always had fun. And now, he doesn't say a word to me, or even acknowledge the fact that I'd be standing right infront of him. Aswell as Jaime, I miss all the good times I use to have with her, we were pretty close, like sisters almost. And Mara, we are still friends, but not nearly as close. As well as other people from our so called *group*, we broke and we fell apart. But, I feel I'm the only one who even realized, or even cared. I miss our *group* though, we have so many memories and such.

So, I've really fallen for this one guy.. HARD. He is amazing, but he likes someone else. Which kind of sucks for me. Good for him, but sucks for me. But I guess it's okay to be *just friends* with him. He knows I like him though, and he doesn't seem to act any different now that he knows, So that's good I guess. I really like him though.. *sigh..*

Anywayz, I've blabbed on alot by now, and Your probably sick of reading this.. I'm surprised you did read the whole thing if you've read to here..

Well, Ciao..

x0x*Kitty*x0x